In this episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, “If These Woods Could Talk,” the glamping trip gets off to a rough start when Marlo and Kenya go head-to-head, Sheree regrets confiding in Marlo, Kandi addresses rumors about her sexuality, and tensions continue to mount between members of the group.
When we last left the ladies, they had just embarked on their glamping trip, and Porsha was making it clear that she had her anger issues under control. Things calm down, and the ladies arrive at an RV park. Phaedra has warned the ladies that the first night will be old-school roughing it — no guts, no glory.
Lions and Tigers and Marlo, Oh My!
Sheree is concerned about wild animals. A quick note to the ladies: the plural of ‘deer’ is ‘deer,’ not ‘deers.’ The bigger threat seems to be Marlo’s gastrointestinal problems. She informs the women that she has to sleep alone due to her noxious gas.
Sheree tells Marlo that she hopes there’s no drama and proceeds to tell her about the rumor that Kandi likes to dip her foot in the lady pool. This doesn’t come as a shock to Marlo, who claims that she’s heard the same gossip. Sheree’s excuse for possibly letting the cat (pussy) out of the bag is that the trip is supposed to be a bonding experience, and she doesn’t think they can do that if they don’t put it all on the table. Sheree’s tired of the women talking behind each other’s backs, and here she is spilling tea to Marlo.
The ladies get some help pitching their tents from their guide, Steve. Then it’s time to gather around the campfire, roast some marshmallows and, even though it’s dark, throw some shade. Porsha’s sister, Lauren, asks Marlo why she and Kenya aren’t friends anymore. Marlo responds that she failed to receive an invite to either Kenya’s birthday or housewarming parties. Kenya says she’s already apologized multiple times and really doesn’t know what else Marlo expects her to do.
Kenya may be done, but Marlo is just getting started. She calls out Kenya for being “miserable,” says her earrings and eyelashes are a “disaster” and goes after Kenya for not even being able to keep a broke man. Marlo really takes it too far when she brings up Kenya’s estranged mother, stating that if someone’s parent doesn’t want anything to do with them, you know something is up. Even Kandi thinks this is a low blow; you don’t need to go after nobody‘s mama like that. Kenya hits back that Marlo’s a prostitute, and Marlo concludes that Kenya is evil.
Phaedra steps in and tries to get things back on track. She reminds the ladies that the purpose of this trip is unity and sisterhood. Therefore, it is unacceptable to call each other ‘bitches’ and ‘prostitutes.’ She wants them all to make a conscious effort to change.
Bonding, Bitching, and Moaning
The following day, the women get an early start. The plan is to do some team-building exercises. They leave the tents behind for Jason to take down because, as Phaedra says, the only thing these women can dismantle are their wigs.
Clad in skin-tight spandex and booty shorts, the women sit down to eat. Kenya is determined to not pay Marlo any mind because the diva already gets paid for her services.
Over breakfast, Kenya questions if Phaedra is divorced yet. Phaedra says the end is near. Kandi is under the impression that if a spouse goes to jail, you can get a divorce within months, but Phaedra says that isn’t necessarily the case. Sheree thinks Phaedra’s hiding something, but Porsha comes to Phaedra’s defense, clarifying that Apollo contested the divorce, dragging out the process.
Speaking of divorce, Cynthia’s got some news regarding her split with Peter. Unlike Phaedra, Cynthia has wasted no time, but it is hitting her that this is it. She expected her soon-to-be ex to show up at the final hearing, but Peter’s taking a pass, so Cynthia feels she’s not exactly getting the closure she had hoped for. She gets a bit teary, and the other women assure Cynthia that she will find love again, but the model isn’t eager to walk down the aisle again. Since most of the ladies are going through or have been through a divorce, Cynthia really feels supported.
First up are some water sports. Some of the women kayak and others try their luck at paddle boating. Sheree bitches non-stop about the water being dirty and the bugs and the smell and decides to lend support from dry land.
Next up, the women climb to the top of a tower to do some power free-falling. Kenya, Marlo, Kandi and Porsha all participate. Cynthia begs off, stating that she doesn’t feel well. And Phaedra bails, stating that if she was meant to fly, Jesus would have given her wings.
The ladies’ second day ends with a group dinner that is definitely not your garden variety burgers and dogs. This glamping excursion definitely doesn’t measure up to trips taken by the OC or NYC housewives, but at least they get a nice meal and a roof over their heads on the second night. Marlo shows up wearing a fur, and Phaedra wonders if Marlo brought it or got it off a bear “Revenant-style.”
The mood is positive and festive, and Kenya decides to once again apologize for hurting Marlo’s feelings. This time, Marlo accepts and even offers her own apology for lashing out at Kenya. Both women agree that the friendship won’t be the same, but hopefully, they’ll move forward with more civility.
The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, which is why Marlo decides to ask Kandi straight-up if she’s a lesbian. Marlo says that someone at the table has been talking behind the mogul’s back, saying that Kandi is in the closet. Of course, everybody wants to know who the culprit is, but Sheree — who started this whole damn mess by telling Marlo — refuses to name any names. Kandi also makes it clear that she loves her husband, and she loves dick. All the women think Sheree should give up the guilty party’s name, so she gives Phaedra and Porsha a chance to speak up, but their lips are sealed.
Sheree brings up the conversation she had with Porsha about Kandi being positive that Porsha slept with Block, joking that maybe Kandi had been staring out a peephole in the closet. That’s when Porsha shoots back that Kandi might have still been in one, but that was none of her business.
Porsha claims to not remember exactly what she and Sheree were talking about and does some serious backpedaling. Porsha deflects, pointing out that all the women talk shit about each other, and says she was simply responding to Kandi’s digs about Block. Kandi questions why Porsha didn’t just admit to insinuating that Kandi was a lesbian when she had the chance, but Porsha says she didn’t remember the conversation with Sheree. Eventually, Porsha reveals that she recalls more than she’s claiming to and chalks it up to being shady but only because Kandi was yakking behind her back first.
Kandi told Porsha right to her face that she slept with Block, so nothing was said behind Porsha’s back. What’s really happening is everybody is running wild, putting their own spin on what has and has not been said.
Porsha calls out the conversation between her, Sheree and Phaedra when Phaedra claimed that Shamea and Kandi had sex. Sheree denies anything other than calling these girls out for being fake. Porsha is shocked that Sheree has been stockpiling all this info so she can just find the right time to start trouble. But in Porsha’s mind, that’s what messy people do.
Kandi admits that she’s been with women in the past, but she’s not the only one. Marlo asks Porsha if she’s ever traveled down under, but all Porsha will say is that is her personal business. Kandi responds that she’s never done anything more than Porsha has, and both Kandi and Porsha insinuate that they know much more about the other’s muff-munching history than they are letting on. And, really, who the hell cares? What grown women do when they’re single is their own damn business.
What Happens in the Woods isn’t Going to Stay in the Woods
After dinner, the women split up and head to their cabins to rehash dinner. Sheree is upset that Marlo broke her confidence, knowing that the women are going to think she’s a hot mess. The new saying is that when you carry around other people’s business, you’re carrying a bone. And Sheree could give the local butcher a run for his money.
Kandi tells Kenya and Cynthia that when Porsha drinks, she becomes an “aggressive lesbian.” Porsha is busy defending herself to Phaedra and her sister. Nobody knows her business, but she knows theirs, and they push her into a position where she has to put it on the table. Porsha keeps inferring that she knows a whole lot about Kandi, so she hopes all of this stays in the woods because she may be forced to open her mouth.
Kandi thinks Porsha has opened a can of worms, and she foresees things getting much worse.
What do you think Porsha has on Kandi? Should Sheree have told Marlo about the rumors? Should Porsha and Phaedra admit to trash-talking Kandi? Is all the really juicy stuff happening off camera? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta season 9 airs Sundays at 8/7c on Bravo.
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